My life
laudanum
laudanum
medicine
healing
patient
health
poppy
calm
me
is
their
calm only
poison's
tears
Monday 29 September 2014
Thursday 25 September 2014
Food Review
Review for the cafeteria here in the hospital
By Alice Liddell
I am no longer going to put up with the deplorable state of the nutritional substances that I am forced to consume here in this place. The horrible food does nothing to dilute the bitter taste of the laudanum that I am forced to take and some days just make it worse.
For breakfast today we were forced once again to eat the abomination that serves as oatmeal. Here is a picture of it in all it's cardboard tasting glory.
This substance has the consistency of wet paper and probably the same nutritional content. I think they just get it from the leftover portions in the bowls and serve it to us the next day. The orange juice they serve with it is filled with pulp and seems to have bits of peel floating in it. The queen says that it is healthy and good for us, but I see her eating the cakes off to the side and if it was so good for us she would probably be eating it as well.
This sad little thing is what passes for a sandwich in here, it is probably made from the weeds in the little pot in the dormouse's office. I would bet that the reason it is considered healthy for us is because they think that just because something is natural it is good for you. I would rather take laudanum without any sugar or water to wash it down than I would eat this thing. I suppose they think that the massive amount of vegetable mush they made it out of would make us forget about the fact that breakfast was just cardboard and orange juice, but it just serves to make us angrier. The Mad Hatter decided that this food would serve better as a hat, and the ensuing food fight did not do anything to endear her to the cards and the chessmen. She is now in the sedation area, and I suppose she is probably resting and dreaming of hats.
I do not know what new nutrition based warfare they have planned for us for supper, but I do not know if I will be able to stomach much more of this. I think the best thing for me to do now is to start a rebellion against the people in the kitchen in hopes of getting better food. The Cheshire cat and I have already started getting members in our army, only one general has joined so far though and he is being uncooperative when it comes to wearing the uniform. We do have many foot soldiers though, and they are infiltrating this place rather successfully.
Physician's notes
Alice was quite busy today, she has apparently decided that the food is not satisfactory here and wants to start a rebellion. She announced this to me before going off to do what she calls "recruiting" which at this point seems to be her taking caterpillars and attempting to place paper hats on their head so that they are high ranking members of her "army". This has so far been unsuccessful, especially since she has only found one caterpillar. The number of tiny paper hats littering to corridors are a bit alarming, I am wondering if she is somehow releasing mice into the hospital or if it is just another one of her delusions.
This substance has the consistency of wet paper and probably the same nutritional content. I think they just get it from the leftover portions in the bowls and serve it to us the next day. The orange juice they serve with it is filled with pulp and seems to have bits of peel floating in it. The queen says that it is healthy and good for us, but I see her eating the cakes off to the side and if it was so good for us she would probably be eating it as well.
This sad little thing is what passes for a sandwich in here, it is probably made from the weeds in the little pot in the dormouse's office. I would bet that the reason it is considered healthy for us is because they think that just because something is natural it is good for you. I would rather take laudanum without any sugar or water to wash it down than I would eat this thing. I suppose they think that the massive amount of vegetable mush they made it out of would make us forget about the fact that breakfast was just cardboard and orange juice, but it just serves to make us angrier. The Mad Hatter decided that this food would serve better as a hat, and the ensuing food fight did not do anything to endear her to the cards and the chessmen. She is now in the sedation area, and I suppose she is probably resting and dreaming of hats.
I do not know what new nutrition based warfare they have planned for us for supper, but I do not know if I will be able to stomach much more of this. I think the best thing for me to do now is to start a rebellion against the people in the kitchen in hopes of getting better food. The Cheshire cat and I have already started getting members in our army, only one general has joined so far though and he is being uncooperative when it comes to wearing the uniform. We do have many foot soldiers though, and they are infiltrating this place rather successfully.
Physician's notes
Alice was quite busy today, she has apparently decided that the food is not satisfactory here and wants to start a rebellion. She announced this to me before going off to do what she calls "recruiting" which at this point seems to be her taking caterpillars and attempting to place paper hats on their head so that they are high ranking members of her "army". This has so far been unsuccessful, especially since she has only found one caterpillar. The number of tiny paper hats littering to corridors are a bit alarming, I am wondering if she is somehow releasing mice into the hospital or if it is just another one of her delusions.
Wednesday 17 September 2014
Photographic abominations
Will this hell never end? I have found a new twisted interpretation of my story. The card who keeps bringing things into my room decided that I should get some posters for my room. He is a fool, and I will show you the posters I found when I got back from my little break from reality.
This first one is a poster for a movie that has been created surrounding the inaccurate events in Lewis Carroll's novels. They seem to be portraying my charters as some kind of protagonist who is in the forefront and is actually in wonderland, not a delusional madwoman that the Doormouse tells me I am. This does seem like something that I should keep around though, after all the slogan at the top is something that I feel reflects the state of all of us in this place. After all some days I wonder if I am the crazy one, or if the mad people are the ones in control here. After all they seem just as mad, they are just better at hiding it.
I rather like this one, even though it is not what the Cheshire cat looks like. He looks like the picture on the right. The interpretation is very interesting though, and they got the facial expression down pat. I really enjoy the use of tea in the front of the cat as well as the look on his face, it makes him seem as menacing as he actually is, not like the people see him as. They all think he is cute and cuddly and this picture makes everyone see how he is in reality. The use of illusion is amazing, even though they have never seen him before and have no idea what he looks like or how he looks. That is all for now, I can not stay here for much longer, the Doormouse said that he is coming to check in on me soon and I do not want to overreact if he says something stupid.
Physician's notes
Alice seems to be very calm, she did not react violently at all today. I would have thought she would have reacted violently when she saw the posters that the stupid nurse had left in her room. Instead when I went in she was laughing like a hyena and grinning like a fool. I do not know what this means, but it might mean that we are making progress in her therapy and that the doses of Laudanum she is on is enough to make her sedate enough to be reasonable.
Wednesday 10 September 2014
Physician's notes
Physician's notes
Alice's naming of people has more names that I have just become aware of. Here is an update of the list of naming and who they are associated with.
One of her fellow patients seem to have been given the name if March Hare. This patient is here for massive brain damage caused by an overuse of hallucinogenic drugs and other such substances. Perhaps Alice heard the woman talk about things such as mushrooms and weed, and these combined with her delusions to make her compare the other to a rabbit who consumes such things.
She calls the anesthesiologist mother, I do not know why, nor do I even have any idea what delusion that could come from. Perhaps a mother who used opioids on her children was responsible for some of Alice's mental trauma, but without her background information I am unable to assume anything. It is a pity that the fire in her old institution destroyed all of her records.
Finally I seem to have been given the designation of Dormouse, I do not quite understand why though. Perhaps it is because she sees me as being locked behind a door, or maybe she thinks I am the one in control of letting people out of the door. I do not really know, there are parts of her behaviour that make no sense to me at all.
Alice's naming of people has more names that I have just become aware of. Here is an update of the list of naming and who they are associated with.
One of her fellow patients seem to have been given the name if March Hare. This patient is here for massive brain damage caused by an overuse of hallucinogenic drugs and other such substances. Perhaps Alice heard the woman talk about things such as mushrooms and weed, and these combined with her delusions to make her compare the other to a rabbit who consumes such things.
She calls the anesthesiologist mother, I do not know why, nor do I even have any idea what delusion that could come from. Perhaps a mother who used opioids on her children was responsible for some of Alice's mental trauma, but without her background information I am unable to assume anything. It is a pity that the fire in her old institution destroyed all of her records.
Finally I seem to have been given the designation of Dormouse, I do not quite understand why though. Perhaps it is because she sees me as being locked behind a door, or maybe she thinks I am the one in control of letting people out of the door. I do not really know, there are parts of her behaviour that make no sense to me at all.
Musical abominations
I just discovered another layer to the treachery of that man. One of the nurses thought it was a brilliant idea to bring in a music player just to leave it laying out and taunt me with a song. He says that it was just an accident, but I am sure that he is in league with the white queen who wants me to be silenced by their drugs. She supposedly needs me to be, and I quote "A danger to myself and others" before she can fill me full of the poison that makes my head spin and the world seem all fuzzy. The tool she used today was a ridiculously inaccurate song that was based on the horrid book that man wrote about me. This song is called White Rabbit, and apparently a Mr Jefferson Airplane was in cahoots with Mr Carroll and decided to also make some money off of my inability to protest their interpretation of my so called illness. The insulting words to the song are as follows. (I found them by stealing one of the playing card's paintbrushes and sneaking onto the internet. If you do not trust me to have copied them properly just look at the website http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jeffersonairplane/whiterabbit.html. )
"White Rabbit" By Jefferson Airplane
One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small
When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small
When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head
Now then, first things first, the dormouse did not say that. He just guards the door and tries to tell me all sorts of lies to get out. If he tells me anything it is to clear my head and to try to think about what is bothering me. So I am going to do just that, I am going to look at this song and work out exactly why it is bothering me so much, apart from the obvious of course. After all I am supposed to remember what the dormouse said after all.
First thing I am supposed to do is work out how it makes me feel. Before they decided to drug me I felt angry, as well as betrayed. The thing is that now as I remember it in my current state it seems to be familiar and slightly comforting. The disorientation that the contrasting images and strange actions seem to be supposed to cause do not affect me at all, but they do remind me of a time when these delusions as the doctor calls them were more gentle and did not hurt as much. That could just be the drugs talking though, some days I can not tell the difference between my thoughts and those provided by the pills.
If I am to think about how the lines are arranged I notice that they rhyme in a strange way. The second, fourth, and fifth line of each stanza rhyme, but the rest does not. It is not a common way for normal people to set up poetry at all, perhaps that also adds to the fact that it makes me feel comfortable. The fact that the line where one is told to ask Alice is treated as if it is only part of a line and the line after it seems to be treated as the one with a terminative word instead. It is quite strange indeed, not compared to what is down the rabbit hole, but still strange. Perhaps it is to confuse the listeners to make them feel disoriented so that the message of the song can be heard, or perhaps it is just an attempt to convey a slightly twisted nature to make the song impact more of its listeners. The second theory seems more in line with the vocal choices of the singer.
The song is also interesting in the fact that it seems to be addressed to those who are under the influence of many kinds of drugs, probably hallucinogens like those preferred by the March Hare before she supposedly fried her brain. Is this comparing the world that I see, the so called wonderland that Mr Carroll named to a hallucination caused by poor decisions? It seems as if they are unable to separate reality from fiction and so confuse the two. The idea that smoking, taking pills, or eating mushrooms would allow one into wonderland is absurd, but for some reason they seem to think I would be the guide in this situation. The images of Chessmen telling one where to go is similar to how it is in this place, as is the feeling that the pills can give you, but it seems as if they are speaking of something more pleasurable than being made to sleep. The final stanza sounds as if it is a good representation of wonderland, but it still means nothing. They seem to be sending a message that wonderland is reachable through chemical means and neglect to mention the other problems one would encounter in wonderland.
I would continue, but mother is back with more pills, and the song is very wrong about her. The pills she gives me do things, they make me sleep and they make my mind fuzzy. I wish mother would not force me to take them, but if I do not she will use a needle or the smoke. I do not like those things at all, so I will take the pills. I will just end this by saying that I am tired of these sorts of warped parodies of my life and I wish that I had just killed Lewis Carroll when I had the chance.
Physician's notes
Alice had to be sedated today, one of the nurses had brought in a music player that contained a song that set her off. She completely destroyed the man's mp3 player and then tried to strangle him with the headphones. I don't know why the nurse thought it was a good idea to bring that thing in, he's been reprimanded before for bringing that sort of thing around patients. This encounter has been further proof that Alice is not to be exposed to anything relating to Lewis Carroll. When she is exposed to anything that has to do with her interactions with him, or the book he wrote she becomes agitated and can only be calmed down by a heavy dosage of laudanum. There is a serious likelihood that she could harm herself or another person when she is agitated, as the bruises on the nurse's neck only too clearly shows.
If I am to think about how the lines are arranged I notice that they rhyme in a strange way. The second, fourth, and fifth line of each stanza rhyme, but the rest does not. It is not a common way for normal people to set up poetry at all, perhaps that also adds to the fact that it makes me feel comfortable. The fact that the line where one is told to ask Alice is treated as if it is only part of a line and the line after it seems to be treated as the one with a terminative word instead. It is quite strange indeed, not compared to what is down the rabbit hole, but still strange. Perhaps it is to confuse the listeners to make them feel disoriented so that the message of the song can be heard, or perhaps it is just an attempt to convey a slightly twisted nature to make the song impact more of its listeners. The second theory seems more in line with the vocal choices of the singer.
The song is also interesting in the fact that it seems to be addressed to those who are under the influence of many kinds of drugs, probably hallucinogens like those preferred by the March Hare before she supposedly fried her brain. Is this comparing the world that I see, the so called wonderland that Mr Carroll named to a hallucination caused by poor decisions? It seems as if they are unable to separate reality from fiction and so confuse the two. The idea that smoking, taking pills, or eating mushrooms would allow one into wonderland is absurd, but for some reason they seem to think I would be the guide in this situation. The images of Chessmen telling one where to go is similar to how it is in this place, as is the feeling that the pills can give you, but it seems as if they are speaking of something more pleasurable than being made to sleep. The final stanza sounds as if it is a good representation of wonderland, but it still means nothing. They seem to be sending a message that wonderland is reachable through chemical means and neglect to mention the other problems one would encounter in wonderland.
I would continue, but mother is back with more pills, and the song is very wrong about her. The pills she gives me do things, they make me sleep and they make my mind fuzzy. I wish mother would not force me to take them, but if I do not she will use a needle or the smoke. I do not like those things at all, so I will take the pills. I will just end this by saying that I am tired of these sorts of warped parodies of my life and I wish that I had just killed Lewis Carroll when I had the chance.
Physician's notes
Alice had to be sedated today, one of the nurses had brought in a music player that contained a song that set her off. She completely destroyed the man's mp3 player and then tried to strangle him with the headphones. I don't know why the nurse thought it was a good idea to bring that thing in, he's been reprimanded before for bringing that sort of thing around patients. This encounter has been further proof that Alice is not to be exposed to anything relating to Lewis Carroll. When she is exposed to anything that has to do with her interactions with him, or the book he wrote she becomes agitated and can only be calmed down by a heavy dosage of laudanum. There is a serious likelihood that she could harm herself or another person when she is agitated, as the bruises on the nurse's neck only too clearly shows.
Physician's notes
Physician's notes
Alice's delusions have caused her to make up strange names for the different people around her. I feel it is best for me to make a list of them so that I may understand her rantings later. This may not be accurate, but at least it is a start at unravelling her delusions and may assist in my treatment of her.
She calls the head nurse Queen, reading Mr Carroll's book has lead me to question whether she is the white queen or the red queen, after all depending on how she views the woman we can predict her behaviour and possibly help her.
The nurses can have different names, I still do not understand why. Some of the nurses have the name of Chessmen, there seem to be no gender distinctions almost as if she sees them as the same person. The others are called Cards, they are also not given a gender distinction so I do not see what distinguishes them from each other.
The kitten she has adopted is given the term of the Cheshire Cat. I wonder if she views it as a personification of one of her more benign delusions and for that reason she is able to interact well with it and cares for it so much.
This note will be updated as I discover more about her interactions with people and try to discover why she calls people what she does.
Alice's delusions have caused her to make up strange names for the different people around her. I feel it is best for me to make a list of them so that I may understand her rantings later. This may not be accurate, but at least it is a start at unravelling her delusions and may assist in my treatment of her.
She calls the head nurse Queen, reading Mr Carroll's book has lead me to question whether she is the white queen or the red queen, after all depending on how she views the woman we can predict her behaviour and possibly help her.
The nurses can have different names, I still do not understand why. Some of the nurses have the name of Chessmen, there seem to be no gender distinctions almost as if she sees them as the same person. The others are called Cards, they are also not given a gender distinction so I do not see what distinguishes them from each other.
The kitten she has adopted is given the term of the Cheshire Cat. I wonder if she views it as a personification of one of her more benign delusions and for that reason she is able to interact well with it and cares for it so much.
This note will be updated as I discover more about her interactions with people and try to discover why she calls people what she does.
Wednesday 3 September 2014
Greetings humans
Hello everyone, my name is Alice Liddell and I think you have probably heard of me before. There was a man called Lewis Carroll and he decided that he would write a book about me, and I trusted him to tell the truth about the horrors that I experienced every day. That was a mistake, the man took my nightmares and turned them into a childish story full of white rabbits with pocket watches and hedgehog croquet. It's not like I could protest much, it was already published by the time I got my hands on a copy of his lies and there was nothing I could do to stop the spread of his false messages and insane manipulations of the truth. He never comes and visits me, not since I found out about his lies and tried to harm him. I do not know why though, it is not as if I can harm him from behind these walls, and the drugs the nurses give me when I get upset make it hard to care enough to make my body move. I guess he figured that I can not give him any more stories, and that without them I am just another one of the crazy girls in this asylum. They are all wrong though, I am not crazy, the red queen is, and if it was not for her I would never have slid down into this rabbit hole in the first place.
I suppose that I should give you a bit more information about myself, and not get sidetracked talking about the betrayal that I experienced from that man's decision to alter my reality even more than it already was. I have been living in this place for as long as I can remember and they say that I can never get out. I guess the fact that I will never get out does not exactly motivate me to behave, but that is alright. The cat and I have a lot of fun in here, we plan to take out the white queen and her chessmen, and that is a worthy goal indeed. Who will follow the rabbit now, not me that is for sure.
Physician's notes
Alice suffers from delusions and paranoia, which were presumably set off by a childhood incident the nature of which we are unclear of. We have attempted animal therapy with her in an attempt to curb her more violent tendencies and it seems to have helped a bit. She took to one of the kittens so we have housed it in her room after realizing that she would not harm it and treated it well. She talks to him often, which is an improvement to her normal sullen silence. She seems to have made a connection with one of the nurses, she calls her the queen and is more respectful to her than she is to most of the other staff.
I suppose that I should give you a bit more information about myself, and not get sidetracked talking about the betrayal that I experienced from that man's decision to alter my reality even more than it already was. I have been living in this place for as long as I can remember and they say that I can never get out. I guess the fact that I will never get out does not exactly motivate me to behave, but that is alright. The cat and I have a lot of fun in here, we plan to take out the white queen and her chessmen, and that is a worthy goal indeed. Who will follow the rabbit now, not me that is for sure.
Physician's notes
Alice suffers from delusions and paranoia, which were presumably set off by a childhood incident the nature of which we are unclear of. We have attempted animal therapy with her in an attempt to curb her more violent tendencies and it seems to have helped a bit. She took to one of the kittens so we have housed it in her room after realizing that she would not harm it and treated it well. She talks to him often, which is an improvement to her normal sullen silence. She seems to have made a connection with one of the nurses, she calls her the queen and is more respectful to her than she is to most of the other staff.
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